It's December 2019 and I'm no longer 40. In fact, in August 2019 I turned 41. But, it's taken me this long to mesh out my thoughts and make sense of my journey the last 18 months. In an attempt to keep this blog post short and sweet (we all tend to move a little fast these days) I've kept it in a pint size bite so you get the gist.
Here it is....
I've heard it said that everyone in their life will experience an existential experience or "crisis", if you will. And apparently they often come about because of a significant event in someone's life. For me, it was a couple of things. 1. Turning 40 and 2. Realising and losing "success".
With the months proceeding the big 4-0 I started to think about my life and question where I was at. Why am I here? What is this all for? What have I been chasing all my life? And why? Is this all there is? Surely there is something more?
I had also spent the 5 years prior building a large business here in Australia - where we planned to live and bring up our family. I had everything I had ever dreamed of. A healthy little baby boy who had come after 5 cycles of IVF; a successful company that was purpose driven and gave back to women less fortunate; planning a build out of our "dream" home on a beautiful property on the Gold Coast; fancy cars and holidays. I was "living the dream".
But, I had also given up so much. Our son, TJ, had a nanny since he was just a few weeks old. I was working all the time and was actually pretty stressed out. We had also done another 6 IVF cycles for baby #2, all of which were failed attempts. But the thing I feel like I was questioning the most was "is this all there is?". I felt at the time that I was looking for fufillment in living a "successful" life, but that fulfillment never arrived.
So, I guess I had a "wake up" moment. One I feel compelled to believe I was supposed to have. To realise the way I was living my life was not conducive to fulfillment. I had to realise there was something more and the way I'd been trying to experience it was futile.
I'd always felt lucky in life to have learned things like "if we can perceive it, we can achieve it" or "if it's to be, it's up to me". I'd learned to work hard and achieve "success". And I'd also managed to allow some of society's new norms to be my own as well. That it's not enough to be a picture Instagram perfect parent while fulfilling a full time career and maintaining a debt comatose house which is ridiculously too big for our air brushed perfect family to live in. Nope, it's not enough! I must also have a side-hustle, a large following on all social platforms that will never ever rival the true instafamous queens. And for goodness sake (or to keep up with the Kardashians) I MUST have a booty the size of a watermelon with an iddy biddy waist and boobs for days. Oh! And how is it that I'm not getting botox? That stuff is legit.
Well, what if it's not legit? What if none of it is!? What if over the course of my life I've been subtly believing that all these things will make me happy only to find that I was searching for happiness in all the wrong places.
What if I realised something deeper? What if it really is true that I am a soul having a human experience? And what if my human experience didn't have to look like what I've come to know? What if I could experience real fulfillment?
So, this is my journey to see what this "awakening" is all about and to seek true fulfillment - if it's even possible. To unlearn what I've learned and to "wake up" to discover a different truth.
Here I go.